![]() I don’t know if it was his handcuffing a bystander to a corpse, interrogating a suspect without his lawyer, or harassing a private citizen until she agreed to testify, but something tells me Kimble has added more syllables to otherwise short words than he has criminals to correctional facilities. Apparently while John Kimble excelled at the “Being Square-Headed” portion of the detective’s exam, he floundered a bit on the whole due process subject. Lesson B: Schwarzenegger Is a Cop with a Kindergartener’s Understanding of Law. They try to throw us off the trail with this long-haired, squished-faced John Travolta(ish) baddie by having him willingly hang out in a beauty salon with his mother, but that skull-hanging eyesore continues to serve as a silky, robust red flag that he is in fact a giant bowl of dick flakes. While it may be true that some villains do not rock this dangling coif, you can be assured that anyone with this particularly unsightly follicle abundance is just as likely to shoot you in the face as he is to rinse, repeat, and leave in his conditioner. Lesson 1: Any Man Sporting a Ponytail Is a Villain. It is therefore with slightly less shame than usual that we present to you the various important life lessons taught to us by one of the all time great contributions to Elementary School Film Noir: Kindergarten Cop. But rules, like diets, were made to be broken. This is routinely followed by a tasty (read: heart-punching) snack food item themed to the movie. Usually the way this is constructed, and I only use that term in the same sense as one constructing a soggy gingerbread house, is that we skewer the film first, pointing out all its sundry flaws before lavishing adoration upon it in section two. Our taste-free taste in film runs the gamut from terrible to abysmal to Ishtar to worse. This is the weekly (cough) bad movie column that dares never to ask why. Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema we’ve already eaten a truckload of those Dorito-shell tacos.
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